Paradoxical Imaginings

Remember, do you remember?

That time I was just listening to your heart beat

It was some cold day in December when the snow sparkled like naive promises

And everything bitter had an after taste of sweet

Now I’m not trying to wax romantic, just wanting to bring to mind

That feeling of heat in your ear

When someone you love is so near

You’d swear you’re actually listening to the whispered confessions of their soul

Except someone stole mine over 17 years ago

The thump-thump in my chest then turning to this even beat

Of perfect time

Of the bass line to my life

My veins transformed into strings someone with magic fingers might pluck

You know, those times I’ll get struck senseless

I had a dream once where you sliced a knife right in between my ribs

Right between my frets, and I was fretting over the mess

But it was ok

For my board was sound

And suddenly from all around you could hear this noise like beautiful

This sound like nirvana

My blood spilled out as a rainbow and twisted to shape out the notes

And you might note the fact that although I was screaming

Really I was singing, too

The 2a.m. sky was this kind of dark blue that was making the stars shine this kind of bright

That was telling me my cues, because I knew

Just knew

They were the ones that dared to steal my sigh that first day I cried ‘Oh no!’

And told me to glow

Gave me the melody of knowing how… And I could tell

Just tell

It was the empty space between, the infinity of blackness and thunder

Of heaven and hell

That gave me my scream that first second

When you know you have something fucking important to say, but don’t know the of ‘words’

So you just tell the world anyways

And all this while, you were just staring at myself

You were just listening

As the symphony coming from the deep part of the marrow of my bones

Slowly reached this crescendo that was more like an explosion

More like an implosion

Crying out lighting, loud on the wind

Loud on dancing fingertips of the fae

Rising to the clouds

‘I wish I might, I wish I may.

My soul to keep, just for one more day.’

All this nonsense as my bleeding body slowly fell to the ground

The bass beating heavy, but starting to trickle out

And I knew in that second it was about to die

The husk holding my song not strong enough to survive

Such abuse

Such overuse of the elements it never truly physically contained

Even if it was these things that kept me sane

Like that breath of a thousand years ago you can sometimes taste in the rain

That has absolutely nothing to do with water

All my eyes could do was pathetically water

I couldn’t see anything except for that which was not there

Call them illusions or plain delusions, like I cared

That was the moment when I felt fingertips gently massaging

Playing in a field of black silk

Tracing out this simple melody through that which I once called my ‘hair’

That was the second when I realized I had absorbed these words somehow, stolen from your lips even as my world eclipsed

Covered by the darkest of what we’d created

Were you sated?

Were you satisfied to discover what lay hidden under the mess?

I’d given you my best

Spoken in that special tongue we all create for ourselves the day we’re born

Never meant to be understood by another’s ear

My secret song had spilled it’s life force onto your now stained hands

You had been tattooed with the tears of stars

Now remember, I’ll remember

Your face like a photograph

Forever far away, ever closer to me than my skin

As you understood how we’d broken the rules

And like every other damned fool, we’d pay

And this is when I awake

So what I’m trying to convey…

If you’re ever leaning in so close

If you’re ever pressing skin to skin

If you’re ever trying to listen for a beat-beat in my chest

Listening for my… Me.

Really, my song, my stars, is where you’d want to begin

But be ever-so careful

Of the scream